February, be GONE!!! AAGH!! Back to the pit from whence you came! HAH!!
Welcome March! The gateway month. Gateway to springdom. Where winter's legs begin to tremble and fail as it cast its last blows in vain wrath. Yes, we will yet see snow fall, but the end is nigh at hand. Come equinox! Hail the sun! WAHOO!!!
I hate winter.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Solo...
Posted by Jordan
Today's lesson in humility came in the form of singing a solo musical number from the pulpit in sacrament meeting.
Several weeks ago, our ward choir director asked me if I would be willing to do it. "Sure!" I replied, not realizing how deafeningly silent the room suddenly becomes when you're the only one singing...
I tried to find an appropriate image to illustrate exactly the physiological response my body experienced in reaction to the stress of standing in front of the congregation one measure before my pickup note. Imagine trying to sing while somebody is doing this to you:
Today's lesson in humility came in the form of singing a solo musical number from the pulpit in sacrament meeting.
Several weeks ago, our ward choir director asked me if I would be willing to do it. "Sure!" I replied, not realizing how deafeningly silent the room suddenly becomes when you're the only one singing...
I tried to find an appropriate image to illustrate exactly the physiological response my body experienced in reaction to the stress of standing in front of the congregation one measure before my pickup note. Imagine trying to sing while somebody is doing this to you:
But now imagine that the hands belong to a 350 lb. professional wrestler that has you on the ground and is kneeling fully on your chest, so that you can't get enough oxygen for more than one note at a time.
Now SING!
That's about what is was like, and though my wife and ward members assure me otherwise, I am confident that I did, in fact, sound like I had two gigantic thumbs squeezing my trachea closed.
Ugh.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
It should have been me, Part II
Posted by Jordan
So, two of you guessed the correct answer. Here's what went on in my brain (more or less) when I was listening to the radio last week:
The host, Dom, said that a good third of the people sitting in any given movie theater - thirty seven percent - have something in common. So I started thinking of all the classifiable traits that could be applied to me when I myself go to the movies.
My first thought was that 37% undo the top button of their pants, so as to be more comfortable during the movie. Turns out, 37% of people don't have a gut as big as mine.
My second thought was that 37% of people in the theater secretly wish that they had a voice like the movie trailer guy. Also not the right answer.
After the host gave the clue that it had something to do with snacks, the answer was immediately obvious to me: I am a poor boy. I love to have snacks during the movie, but WHO can honestly afford to pay $4.00 for a box of sour patch kids and $2.50 for a medium soda? Not I! So whenever I go to the movies, I usually get my snacks ahead of time at the grocery store, including an ice-cold can of pop, and stuff them into Jaicee's purse.
Now, true story:
Once, when Jaicee and I were still newlyweds, back before we had kids or major financial obligations to prohibit us from going to the movies, we decided that we were not in the mood for sweets and candy at the movie. We wanted something salty. We wanted to smuggle in our own popcorn.
But how? Popcorn is voluminous and not as readily concealed as candy or a 12-oz canned beverage. Where on earth can one conceal on one's person the contents of a large bucket of popcorn? There had to be a way to pull it off.
Maybe the key was to bring it in UN-popped? Bag of kernels and an air popper during the previews?
Okay, bad idea.
Hey! How about popping it all at home, I dig out my baggiest pair of pajama pants, and we stuff them full...
Okay, as good an idea as that sounded at first, I pictured myself waddling into the theater with these big, poofy legs, and I had to shake my head and laugh, because of course, nobody wants to eat popcorn that has been in somebody's pants.
But in all seriousness, we did decide that pre-popped and under the clothes would be the only way. Lucky for us, it was winter. SO we popped a bag of popcorn and put it under the front of Jaicee's coat and pretended that she was pregnant.
Seriously. In case anyone was watching from the theater lobby or ticket booth, I went around the front of the car and helped Jaicee carefully out of her seat, while she convincingly held her back and stomach. Having never actually been pregnant at that point in our lives, I have to give her credit for acting out a very authentic third term.
We got our tickets, went confidently past the theater workers in the lobby, found our seats, and proceeded to lovingly caress, coddle, and coo over Jaicee's beautiful, full-term tummy.
As soon as the previews started, her butter suddenly broke, and she delivered a perfect, healthy bag of popcorn. Still warm. It was one of the most beautiful moments of my life.
Once the movie was over, and we had nothing left but the bag, we looked at each other and had the horrid realization that if any of the theater workers happened to remember us going in, they would know...
...we ate our baby during the movie.
So we booked it out of the theater like it was on fire, and went home, laughing all the way.
Yes JILL and AMANDA, you guessed CORRECTLY!!! When you are at the movies, 37% of the people sitting around you in the theater have THIS in common:
THEY SNUCK IN THEIR OWN SNACKS!!
I knew the answer. I knew the answer, but I couldn't get through!
It should have been me.
So, two of you guessed the correct answer. Here's what went on in my brain (more or less) when I was listening to the radio last week:
The host, Dom, said that a good third of the people sitting in any given movie theater - thirty seven percent - have something in common. So I started thinking of all the classifiable traits that could be applied to me when I myself go to the movies.
My first thought was that 37% undo the top button of their pants, so as to be more comfortable during the movie. Turns out, 37% of people don't have a gut as big as mine.
My second thought was that 37% of people in the theater secretly wish that they had a voice like the movie trailer guy. Also not the right answer.
After the host gave the clue that it had something to do with snacks, the answer was immediately obvious to me: I am a poor boy. I love to have snacks during the movie, but WHO can honestly afford to pay $4.00 for a box of sour patch kids and $2.50 for a medium soda? Not I! So whenever I go to the movies, I usually get my snacks ahead of time at the grocery store, including an ice-cold can of pop, and stuff them into Jaicee's purse.
Now, true story:
But how? Popcorn is voluminous and not as readily concealed as candy or a 12-oz canned beverage. Where on earth can one conceal on one's person the contents of a large bucket of popcorn? There had to be a way to pull it off.
Maybe the key was to bring it in UN-popped? Bag of kernels and an air popper during the previews?
Okay, bad idea.
Hey! How about popping it all at home, I dig out my baggiest pair of pajama pants, and we stuff them full...
Okay, as good an idea as that sounded at first, I pictured myself waddling into the theater with these big, poofy legs, and I had to shake my head and laugh, because of course, nobody wants to eat popcorn that has been in somebody's pants.
But in all seriousness, we did decide that pre-popped and under the clothes would be the only way. Lucky for us, it was winter. SO we popped a bag of popcorn and put it under the front of Jaicee's coat and pretended that she was pregnant.
Seriously. In case anyone was watching from the theater lobby or ticket booth, I went around the front of the car and helped Jaicee carefully out of her seat, while she convincingly held her back and stomach. Having never actually been pregnant at that point in our lives, I have to give her credit for acting out a very authentic third term.
We got our tickets, went confidently past the theater workers in the lobby, found our seats, and proceeded to lovingly caress, coddle, and coo over Jaicee's beautiful, full-term tummy.
As soon as the previews started, her butter suddenly broke, and she delivered a perfect, healthy bag of popcorn. Still warm. It was one of the most beautiful moments of my life.
Once the movie was over, and we had nothing left but the bag, we looked at each other and had the horrid realization that if any of the theater workers happened to remember us going in, they would know...
...we ate our baby during the movie.
So we booked it out of the theater like it was on fire, and went home, laughing all the way.
Yes JILL and AMANDA, you guessed CORRECTLY!!! When you are at the movies, 37% of the people sitting around you in the theater have THIS in common:
THEY SNUCK IN THEIR OWN SNACKS!!
I knew the answer. I knew the answer, but I couldn't get through!
It should have been me.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
It should have been me...
Posted by Jordan
I experienced a new level of frustration today as I faced traffic on northbound I-25 on the way to work this morning.
So there I sit in my freezing car, negotiating rush-hour traffic, seat belt sinking into my big poofy coat like a rope tied around a rolled-up sleeping bag. My mouth is hanging half open, my drooping eyelids are half closed, my hands are just barely hanging off the bottom of the steering wheel, and my brain has shut down all auxiliary functions not necessary for running the brake reflex in my right ankle.
I was listening (as usual) to the Dom and Jane show on Mix 100, which is the typical mindless morning entertainment talk, but it keeps me company during my commute and occasionally causes me to laugh out loud, all by my self in my car.
Today I tuned in just in time for some sort of trivia contest question: "When you are at the movies, 37% of the people sitting around you in the theater have THIS in common. What is it?"
For the first few minutes, I was just idly listening to callers getting the wrong answers, one after another. Good (but ultimately wrong) guesses included: "They have seen the movie before." BZZZT!!! [Wrong answer buzzer sound.] "They are all eating popcorn." BZZZT!!! [Wrong answer buzzer sound again.] But, says Dom, it does have something do do with snacks.
Suddenly, and without warning, a light bulb clicked on in my brain, my mouth snapped shut, my eyes popped wide open, and I nearly swerved into the car next to me. I KNOW THE ANSWER!!
Of course, I'm immediately frantic because I've never called in to any radio station before, ever in my life, and I don't know the phone number! So I turn up the volume and start chanting: "Please, Please, say the number! Please, Please, say the number!" Then, after yet another wrong answer, Dom says they're going to take a short commercial break, BUT there's still a chance to call in and win the prize... right after this! Then he tells the listening audience the station's number.
THERE IT IS!! W00T!!
Now, I have to stand up in my seat to get my cell phone out of my pocket, and accidentally standing on the gas pedal causes me to temporarily accelerate to something like 175 miles per hour. Got the phone. Reduce speed. Now I start trying to dial 303-839-1-MIX.
I'm not a real big texter, and today was a reconfirmation of why that is the case. Why couldn't they have just given me the actual numbers instead of putting "MIX" on the end??... I'm holding my phone up to my face, squinting at the buttons trying to figure out where the M button is.
There! M! And I just about rear-end somebody.
Okay... the I is on here somewhere... beads of perspiration from the pressure of the moment begin to form on my furrowed brow.. THERE!! I! And I swerve across three lanes of traffic.
X was hard to find, because there are four letters on that button. By this time I hear the traffic report saying something about a multi-car pileup on I-25 following some jerk who is texting on his cell phone. Some drivers are so inconsiderate, I think to myself.
303-839-1-MI...
X! GOT IT!! Once I finally figured out the dang phone number I press SEND... and...
BUSY SIGNAL!!! AAAH!!!
Okay. Let's try this again. Send-Send to redial...
Busy signal.
DAAAGH!! HOW CAN THERE BE THAT MANY PEOPLE CALLING IN?!!! I NEED TO GET THROUGH, I KNOW THE ANSWER!!!
Deep breath. Redial again. Busy.
Redial. Busy.
Redial. Busy.
Redial... BUSY!!!
The commercial is almost OVER!!! I HAVE TO GET THROUGH!!! I KNOW THE ANSWER!!!
REDIAL--BUSY!!!
REDIAL, REDIAL, REDIAL---BUSY, BUSY, BUSY!!!
$#@!%* AAAAAAAHHH!!!
Meanwhile, some business executive in a black Audi on cruise control, listening to classical Italian opera over the low purr of his high performance engine, looks calmly over his shoulder and out his tinted window to see the Nissan next to him rocking violently as the fat kid inside waves his arms wildly and shouts into his cell phone as if he were calling 911 to report a swarm of killer bees inside his car.
Now the commercial break is over. I'm red-faced and panting from exhaustion. They're back on the air, and some really unexcited sounding lady gets on the show. My gut sinks as I realize that I have lost my chance. I can only clench my teeth and shake my head because I know she has it. Of course she does! She's got the answer, and SHE is going to win the prize. Slam the steering wheel with the palm of my hand and curse under my breath.
So here she is, live on the air of a hugely popular radio station, about to win the prize--(and by the way, I don't even know what the prize was because I never heard them say. But it doesn't matter... It never mattered...)--she's on the air about to deliver the winning answer and claim the prize, and she's got all the enthusiasm in her voice of someone who is talking to the dentist about flossing on a more regular basis. I knew I would have been so much more fun on the air. I imagined my clever banter with the hosts of the show, entertaining thousands of listeners all up and down the Front Range... I should have won!! I knew the answer!!! IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME!!!
The cheers from the studio audience and prize bells going off sounded ever more distant and hollow as I reached forward slowly, extended one finger, and hit the power button on the radio. My arm dropped. My day was over. And it hadn't even begun yet.
THE END.
...Now, do you want to know the correct answer to the question? Or do you think YOU know? Submit your answers, and I'll tell you what the RIGHT answer was and HOW I KNEW.... next week.
I experienced a new level of frustration today as I faced traffic on northbound I-25 on the way to work this morning.
So there I sit in my freezing car, negotiating rush-hour traffic, seat belt sinking into my big poofy coat like a rope tied around a rolled-up sleeping bag. My mouth is hanging half open, my drooping eyelids are half closed, my hands are just barely hanging off the bottom of the steering wheel, and my brain has shut down all auxiliary functions not necessary for running the brake reflex in my right ankle.
I was listening (as usual) to the Dom and Jane show on Mix 100, which is the typical mindless morning entertainment talk, but it keeps me company during my commute and occasionally causes me to laugh out loud, all by my self in my car.
Today I tuned in just in time for some sort of trivia contest question: "When you are at the movies, 37% of the people sitting around you in the theater have THIS in common. What is it?"
For the first few minutes, I was just idly listening to callers getting the wrong answers, one after another. Good (but ultimately wrong) guesses included: "They have seen the movie before." BZZZT!!! [Wrong answer buzzer sound.] "They are all eating popcorn." BZZZT!!! [Wrong answer buzzer sound again.] But, says Dom, it does have something do do with snacks.
Suddenly, and without warning, a light bulb clicked on in my brain, my mouth snapped shut, my eyes popped wide open, and I nearly swerved into the car next to me. I KNOW THE ANSWER!!
Of course, I'm immediately frantic because I've never called in to any radio station before, ever in my life, and I don't know the phone number! So I turn up the volume and start chanting: "Please, Please, say the number! Please, Please, say the number!" Then, after yet another wrong answer, Dom says they're going to take a short commercial break, BUT there's still a chance to call in and win the prize... right after this! Then he tells the listening audience the station's number.
THERE IT IS!! W00T!!
Now, I have to stand up in my seat to get my cell phone out of my pocket, and accidentally standing on the gas pedal causes me to temporarily accelerate to something like 175 miles per hour. Got the phone. Reduce speed. Now I start trying to dial 303-839-1-MIX.
I'm not a real big texter, and today was a reconfirmation of why that is the case. Why couldn't they have just given me the actual numbers instead of putting "MIX" on the end??... I'm holding my phone up to my face, squinting at the buttons trying to figure out where the M button is.
There! M! And I just about rear-end somebody.
Okay... the I is on here somewhere... beads of perspiration from the pressure of the moment begin to form on my furrowed brow.. THERE!! I! And I swerve across three lanes of traffic.
X was hard to find, because there are four letters on that button. By this time I hear the traffic report saying something about a multi-car pileup on I-25 following some jerk who is texting on his cell phone. Some drivers are so inconsiderate, I think to myself.
303-839-1-MI...
X! GOT IT!! Once I finally figured out the dang phone number I press SEND... and...
BUSY SIGNAL!!! AAAH!!!
Okay. Let's try this again. Send-Send to redial...
Busy signal.
DAAAGH!! HOW CAN THERE BE THAT MANY PEOPLE CALLING IN?!!! I NEED TO GET THROUGH, I KNOW THE ANSWER!!!
Deep breath. Redial again. Busy.
Redial. Busy.
Redial. Busy.
Redial... BUSY!!!
The commercial is almost OVER!!! I HAVE TO GET THROUGH!!! I KNOW THE ANSWER!!!
REDIAL--BUSY!!!
REDIAL, REDIAL, REDIAL---BUSY, BUSY, BUSY!!!
$#@!%* AAAAAAAHHH!!!
Meanwhile, some business executive in a black Audi on cruise control, listening to classical Italian opera over the low purr of his high performance engine, looks calmly over his shoulder and out his tinted window to see the Nissan next to him rocking violently as the fat kid inside waves his arms wildly and shouts into his cell phone as if he were calling 911 to report a swarm of killer bees inside his car.
Now the commercial break is over. I'm red-faced and panting from exhaustion. They're back on the air, and some really unexcited sounding lady gets on the show. My gut sinks as I realize that I have lost my chance. I can only clench my teeth and shake my head because I know she has it. Of course she does! She's got the answer, and SHE is going to win the prize. Slam the steering wheel with the palm of my hand and curse under my breath.
So here she is, live on the air of a hugely popular radio station, about to win the prize--(and by the way, I don't even know what the prize was because I never heard them say. But it doesn't matter... It never mattered...)--she's on the air about to deliver the winning answer and claim the prize, and she's got all the enthusiasm in her voice of someone who is talking to the dentist about flossing on a more regular basis. I knew I would have been so much more fun on the air. I imagined my clever banter with the hosts of the show, entertaining thousands of listeners all up and down the Front Range... I should have won!! I knew the answer!!! IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME!!!
The cheers from the studio audience and prize bells going off sounded ever more distant and hollow as I reached forward slowly, extended one finger, and hit the power button on the radio. My arm dropped. My day was over. And it hadn't even begun yet.
THE END.
...Now, do you want to know the correct answer to the question? Or do you think YOU know? Submit your answers, and I'll tell you what the RIGHT answer was and HOW I KNEW.... next week.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Naivie's 3rd Birthday! ...Let's Review...
Posted by Jaicee
So this is going to be a lot of pictures. For Naivie's third birthday, I wanted to post some of my favorite pictures of her from when she was a newborn until now. This was SO difficult! If you know Jordan, you know that we have MILLIONS of pictures of our girls. It took a LOT of time to weed it down to even as many as I have here, which is still a lot.
But three years is a lot of time, and who doesn't like to look at pictures, huh? Especially pictures of our sweet little Naivie! :)
First time Grandmas!
First time Grandpas!
Second birthday! Okay, so this isn't a good picture of Naivie, but I had to put it up because of Ben. I laugh out loud every time I see this one!
Alright, here's the real reason for the post. We celebrated her birthday yesterday, but her birthday was really Friday, the 29th. Jordan had to work all day long on Friday, so we decided it would be a much more relaxed and enjoyable birthday for all of us if we celebrated it on Monday, his day off.
We felt kind of bad that Friday passed without Naivie even knowing it was her birthday, but thought it best that we just pretend her birthday was Monday. I didn't want to get her all excited on Friday morning, telling her it's her birthday but then-- no cake, no friends, no opening presents. We didn't want to confuse her :) LOL! WHATEVER! We do the best we can!
Naivie said she wanted a fairy cake with hearts. I couldn't find what I needed to make it a "fairy" cake, but she was content with hearts and candy. It didn't turn out exactly like I had envisioned, but it was cute and colorful enough that she was really excited about it, and that's all that matters! I had fun making it, too.
So this is going to be a lot of pictures. For Naivie's third birthday, I wanted to post some of my favorite pictures of her from when she was a newborn until now. This was SO difficult! If you know Jordan, you know that we have MILLIONS of pictures of our girls. It took a LOT of time to weed it down to even as many as I have here, which is still a lot.
But three years is a lot of time, and who doesn't like to look at pictures, huh? Especially pictures of our sweet little Naivie! :)
First time Grandmas!
First time Grandpas!
Second birthday! Okay, so this isn't a good picture of Naivie, but I had to put it up because of Ben. I laugh out loud every time I see this one!
Alright, here's the real reason for the post. We celebrated her birthday yesterday, but her birthday was really Friday, the 29th. Jordan had to work all day long on Friday, so we decided it would be a much more relaxed and enjoyable birthday for all of us if we celebrated it on Monday, his day off.
We felt kind of bad that Friday passed without Naivie even knowing it was her birthday, but thought it best that we just pretend her birthday was Monday. I didn't want to get her all excited on Friday morning, telling her it's her birthday but then-- no cake, no friends, no opening presents. We didn't want to confuse her :) LOL! WHATEVER! We do the best we can!
Naivie said she wanted a fairy cake with hearts. I couldn't find what I needed to make it a "fairy" cake, but she was content with hearts and candy. It didn't turn out exactly like I had envisioned, but it was cute and colorful enough that she was really excited about it, and that's all that matters! I had fun making it, too.
Look at this crew! We had our good friends, the Hereth's, over to have fun with us. Naivie loves playing with their girls, and they had a blast! Good fun!
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