It should have been me...

Posted by Jordan

I experienced a new level of frustration today as I faced traffic on northbound I-25 on the way to work this morning.

So there I sit in my freezing car, negotiating rush-hour traffic, seat belt sinking into my big poofy coat like a rope tied around a rolled-up sleeping bag. My mouth is hanging half open, my drooping eyelids are half closed, my hands are just barely hanging off the bottom of the steering wheel, and my brain has shut down all auxiliary functions not necessary for running the brake reflex in my right ankle.

I was listening (as usual) to the Dom and Jane show on Mix 100, which is the typical mindless morning entertainment talk, but it keeps me company during my commute and occasionally causes me to laugh out loud, all by my self in my car.

Today I tuned in just in time for some sort of trivia contest question: "When you are at the movies, 37% of the people sitting around you in the theater have THIS in common. What is it?"

For the first few minutes, I was just idly listening to callers getting the wrong answers, one after another. Good (but ultimately wrong) guesses included: "They have seen the movie before." BZZZT!!! [Wrong answer buzzer sound.] "They are all eating popcorn." BZZZT!!! [Wrong answer buzzer sound again.] But, says Dom, it does have something do do with snacks.

Suddenly, and without warning, a light bulb clicked on in my brain, my mouth snapped shut, my eyes popped wide open, and I nearly swerved into the car next to me. I KNOW THE ANSWER!!

Of course, I'm immediately frantic because I've never called in to any radio station before, ever in my life, and I don't know the phone number! So I turn up the volume and start chanting: "Please, Please, say the number! Please, Please, say the number!" Then, after yet another wrong answer, Dom says they're going to take a short commercial break, BUT there's still a chance to call in and win the prize... right after this! Then he tells the listening audience the station's number.

THERE IT IS!! W00T!!

Now, I have to stand up in my seat to get my cell phone out of my pocket, and accidentally standing on the gas pedal causes me to temporarily accelerate to something like 175 miles per hour. Got the phone. Reduce speed. Now I start trying to dial 303-839-1-MIX.

I'm not a real big texter, and today was a reconfirmation of why that is the case. Why couldn't they have just given me the actual numbers instead of putting "MIX" on the end??... I'm holding my phone up to my face, squinting at the buttons trying to figure out where the M button is.

There! M! And I just about rear-end somebody.

Okay... the I is on here somewhere... beads of perspiration from the pressure of the moment begin to form on my furrowed brow.. THERE!! I! And I swerve across three lanes of traffic.

X was hard to find, because there are four letters on that button. By this time I hear the traffic report saying something about a multi-car pileup on I-25 following some jerk who is texting on his cell phone. Some drivers are so inconsiderate, I think to myself.

303-839-1-MI...

X! GOT IT!! Once I finally figured out the dang phone number I press SEND... and...

BUSY SIGNAL!!! AAAH!!!

Okay. Let's try this again. Send-Send to redial...

Busy signal.

DAAAGH!! HOW CAN THERE BE THAT MANY PEOPLE CALLING IN?!!! I NEED TO GET THROUGH, I KNOW THE ANSWER!!!

Deep breath. Redial again. Busy.

Redial. Busy.

Redial. Busy.

Redial... BUSY!!!

The commercial is almost OVER!!! I HAVE TO GET THROUGH!!! I KNOW THE ANSWER!!!

REDIAL--BUSY!!!

REDIAL, REDIAL, REDIAL---BUSY, BUSY, BUSY!!!

$#@!%* AAAAAAAHHH!!!

Meanwhile, some business executive in a black Audi on cruise control, listening to classical Italian opera over the low purr of his high performance engine, looks calmly over his shoulder and out his tinted window to see the Nissan next to him rocking violently as the fat kid inside waves his arms wildly and shouts into his cell phone as if he were calling 911 to report a swarm of killer bees inside his car.

Now the commercial break is over. I'm red-faced and panting from exhaustion. They're back on the air, and some really unexcited sounding lady gets on the show. My gut sinks as I realize that I have lost my chance. I can only clench my teeth and shake my head because I know she has it. Of course she does! She's got the answer, and SHE is going to win the prize. Slam the steering wheel with the palm of my hand and curse under my breath.

So here she is, live on the air of a hugely popular radio station, about to win the prize--(and by the way, I don't even know what the prize was because I never heard them say. But it doesn't matter... It never mattered...)--she's on the air about to deliver the winning answer and claim the prize, and she's got all the enthusiasm in her voice of someone who is talking to the dentist about flossing on a more regular basis. I knew I would have been so much more fun on the air. I imagined my clever banter with the hosts of the show, entertaining thousands of listeners all up and down the Front Range... I should have won!! I knew the answer!!! IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME!!!

The cheers from the studio audience and prize bells going off sounded ever more distant and hollow as I reached forward slowly, extended one finger, and hit the power button on the radio. My arm dropped. My day was over. And it hadn't even begun yet.

THE END.






...Now, do you want to know the correct answer to the question? Or do you think YOU know? Submit your answers, and I'll tell you what the RIGHT answer was and HOW I KNEW.... next week.