February, be GONE!!! AAGH!! Back to the pit from whence you came! HAH!!
Welcome March! The gateway month. Gateway to springdom. Where winter's legs begin to tremble and fail as it cast its last blows in vain wrath. Yes, we will yet see snow fall, but the end is nigh at hand. Come equinox! Hail the sun! WAHOO!!!
I hate winter.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Solo...
Posted by Jordan
Today's lesson in humility came in the form of singing a solo musical number from the pulpit in sacrament meeting.
Several weeks ago, our ward choir director asked me if I would be willing to do it. "Sure!" I replied, not realizing how deafeningly silent the room suddenly becomes when you're the only one singing...
I tried to find an appropriate image to illustrate exactly the physiological response my body experienced in reaction to the stress of standing in front of the congregation one measure before my pickup note. Imagine trying to sing while somebody is doing this to you:
Today's lesson in humility came in the form of singing a solo musical number from the pulpit in sacrament meeting.
Several weeks ago, our ward choir director asked me if I would be willing to do it. "Sure!" I replied, not realizing how deafeningly silent the room suddenly becomes when you're the only one singing...
I tried to find an appropriate image to illustrate exactly the physiological response my body experienced in reaction to the stress of standing in front of the congregation one measure before my pickup note. Imagine trying to sing while somebody is doing this to you:
But now imagine that the hands belong to a 350 lb. professional wrestler that has you on the ground and is kneeling fully on your chest, so that you can't get enough oxygen for more than one note at a time.
Now SING!
That's about what is was like, and though my wife and ward members assure me otherwise, I am confident that I did, in fact, sound like I had two gigantic thumbs squeezing my trachea closed.
Ugh.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
It should have been me, Part II
Posted by Jordan
So, two of you guessed the correct answer. Here's what went on in my brain (more or less) when I was listening to the radio last week:
The host, Dom, said that a good third of the people sitting in any given movie theater - thirty seven percent - have something in common. So I started thinking of all the classifiable traits that could be applied to me when I myself go to the movies.
My first thought was that 37% undo the top button of their pants, so as to be more comfortable during the movie. Turns out, 37% of people don't have a gut as big as mine.
My second thought was that 37% of people in the theater secretly wish that they had a voice like the movie trailer guy. Also not the right answer.
After the host gave the clue that it had something to do with snacks, the answer was immediately obvious to me: I am a poor boy. I love to have snacks during the movie, but WHO can honestly afford to pay $4.00 for a box of sour patch kids and $2.50 for a medium soda? Not I! So whenever I go to the movies, I usually get my snacks ahead of time at the grocery store, including an ice-cold can of pop, and stuff them into Jaicee's purse.
Now, true story:
Once, when Jaicee and I were still newlyweds, back before we had kids or major financial obligations to prohibit us from going to the movies, we decided that we were not in the mood for sweets and candy at the movie. We wanted something salty. We wanted to smuggle in our own popcorn.
But how? Popcorn is voluminous and not as readily concealed as candy or a 12-oz canned beverage. Where on earth can one conceal on one's person the contents of a large bucket of popcorn? There had to be a way to pull it off.
Maybe the key was to bring it in UN-popped? Bag of kernels and an air popper during the previews?
Okay, bad idea.
Hey! How about popping it all at home, I dig out my baggiest pair of pajama pants, and we stuff them full...
Okay, as good an idea as that sounded at first, I pictured myself waddling into the theater with these big, poofy legs, and I had to shake my head and laugh, because of course, nobody wants to eat popcorn that has been in somebody's pants.
But in all seriousness, we did decide that pre-popped and under the clothes would be the only way. Lucky for us, it was winter. SO we popped a bag of popcorn and put it under the front of Jaicee's coat and pretended that she was pregnant.
Seriously. In case anyone was watching from the theater lobby or ticket booth, I went around the front of the car and helped Jaicee carefully out of her seat, while she convincingly held her back and stomach. Having never actually been pregnant at that point in our lives, I have to give her credit for acting out a very authentic third term.
We got our tickets, went confidently past the theater workers in the lobby, found our seats, and proceeded to lovingly caress, coddle, and coo over Jaicee's beautiful, full-term tummy.
As soon as the previews started, her butter suddenly broke, and she delivered a perfect, healthy bag of popcorn. Still warm. It was one of the most beautiful moments of my life.
Once the movie was over, and we had nothing left but the bag, we looked at each other and had the horrid realization that if any of the theater workers happened to remember us going in, they would know...
...we ate our baby during the movie.
So we booked it out of the theater like it was on fire, and went home, laughing all the way.
Yes JILL and AMANDA, you guessed CORRECTLY!!! When you are at the movies, 37% of the people sitting around you in the theater have THIS in common:
THEY SNUCK IN THEIR OWN SNACKS!!
I knew the answer. I knew the answer, but I couldn't get through!
It should have been me.
So, two of you guessed the correct answer. Here's what went on in my brain (more or less) when I was listening to the radio last week:
The host, Dom, said that a good third of the people sitting in any given movie theater - thirty seven percent - have something in common. So I started thinking of all the classifiable traits that could be applied to me when I myself go to the movies.
My first thought was that 37% undo the top button of their pants, so as to be more comfortable during the movie. Turns out, 37% of people don't have a gut as big as mine.
My second thought was that 37% of people in the theater secretly wish that they had a voice like the movie trailer guy. Also not the right answer.
After the host gave the clue that it had something to do with snacks, the answer was immediately obvious to me: I am a poor boy. I love to have snacks during the movie, but WHO can honestly afford to pay $4.00 for a box of sour patch kids and $2.50 for a medium soda? Not I! So whenever I go to the movies, I usually get my snacks ahead of time at the grocery store, including an ice-cold can of pop, and stuff them into Jaicee's purse.
Now, true story:
But how? Popcorn is voluminous and not as readily concealed as candy or a 12-oz canned beverage. Where on earth can one conceal on one's person the contents of a large bucket of popcorn? There had to be a way to pull it off.
Maybe the key was to bring it in UN-popped? Bag of kernels and an air popper during the previews?
Okay, bad idea.
Hey! How about popping it all at home, I dig out my baggiest pair of pajama pants, and we stuff them full...
Okay, as good an idea as that sounded at first, I pictured myself waddling into the theater with these big, poofy legs, and I had to shake my head and laugh, because of course, nobody wants to eat popcorn that has been in somebody's pants.
But in all seriousness, we did decide that pre-popped and under the clothes would be the only way. Lucky for us, it was winter. SO we popped a bag of popcorn and put it under the front of Jaicee's coat and pretended that she was pregnant.
Seriously. In case anyone was watching from the theater lobby or ticket booth, I went around the front of the car and helped Jaicee carefully out of her seat, while she convincingly held her back and stomach. Having never actually been pregnant at that point in our lives, I have to give her credit for acting out a very authentic third term.
We got our tickets, went confidently past the theater workers in the lobby, found our seats, and proceeded to lovingly caress, coddle, and coo over Jaicee's beautiful, full-term tummy.
As soon as the previews started, her butter suddenly broke, and she delivered a perfect, healthy bag of popcorn. Still warm. It was one of the most beautiful moments of my life.
Once the movie was over, and we had nothing left but the bag, we looked at each other and had the horrid realization that if any of the theater workers happened to remember us going in, they would know...
...we ate our baby during the movie.
So we booked it out of the theater like it was on fire, and went home, laughing all the way.
Yes JILL and AMANDA, you guessed CORRECTLY!!! When you are at the movies, 37% of the people sitting around you in the theater have THIS in common:
THEY SNUCK IN THEIR OWN SNACKS!!
I knew the answer. I knew the answer, but I couldn't get through!
It should have been me.
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